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"I Am New York City" Declares Aspiring Actress On Second Day Here

by Abby Herold. @AbbyHerold.

NEW YORK, NY — It’s 5 am, and the electricity of the city begins to hum.  But for Jenna Jonas, that hum is a strident, belted E flat. The incredibly recent New York transplant from Wakesprings, Iowa has already declared New York an indisputable part of her DNA after arriving in the Big Apple less than 48 hours ago.


“Everything about this city is in my bones - Times Square, the MTA, the scowling faces and exasperated sighs. I cannot imagine ever getting sick of this!” reports Jonas with a glistening smile, as she waits outside of Pearl 500 in 10 degree weather with the hopes of being seen at Gorgensen Playhouse’s EPA. “Opportunities are everywhere and all I have to do is wait outside. It doesn’t get better than this!”


Jonas’s trite and assured disposition is as palpable as her pangy vocal warmups.  However, there is clear opposition from the community around her. Fellow aspiring actress and line-waiter, Jenna Gonas, claims that she is in fact New York City.  


“I actually know everything there is to know about NYC. Like the tap water being amazing, how to stand on the subway without holding onto anything, and that the only way to be taken seriously is with a pair of Alexis LaDuca character shoes.  What else is there to know? Plus, I’ve been here way longer than Jonas - almost five days. So, obviously, New York City is my blood, and I am it’s soul.”


Jenna Bonas, yet another aspiring actress fresh off a plane from Granville, Ohio, makes a similar claim. “Did you know there are ticket lotteries for Broadway shows and a ferry that takes you to the Statue of Liberty? Slices of pizza for a dollar? I bet you didn’t, and why? Because I am New York City.”


While 15 other aspiring actresses also identify as New York City, Jonas holds her belief as tightly as Lady Liberty to her torch. “New York is just who I am. After spending 22 years of my life in the midwest, I know New York like the back of my hand. Like, tourists have already asked me for directions! Can it get anymore New York than that?”


The Harrisburg family traveling from Germany has yet to be seen since Jonas gave them directions to Coney Island. If anyone has seen or heard from the Harrisburg family, please contact our tip line below.