Hugh Jackman, Operating Gov. Cuomo’s Body Like a Marionette, Announces Broadway Reopening
by Zach Schiffman. @schlife.
RIVER CITY, IN. - Gov. Andrew Cuomo announced today that, after over 16 months of waiting, Broadway could re-open this September - all while being operated by X-Men star Hugh Jackman. Jackman’s own Broadway turn in The Music Man does not plan to open until February 2022, but sources he report he took control of the Governor to “get the ball rolling.”
“We’ve got trouble right here in New York City,” said Gov. Cuomo through his teeth in a voice that sure sounds like The Boy From Oz. “Let’s get Wicked and whatever else open as soon as we can so they can suffer through months of low ticket sales and COVID restrictions until The Music Man rolls into town next February.”
The Broadway League released a statement, reportedly typed through Wolverine gloves, about the September reopening.
“We remain cautiously optimistic about Broadway’s ability to resume performances this fall and are happy that fans can start buying tickets to see Australian legend, Hugh Jackman, in The Music Man.” The statement then inexplicably trailed off and made disparaging remarks against the Television Academy for snubbing Hugh Jackman’s performance in HBO’s Bad Education at last year’s Emmy awards.
“We look forward to the American Theatre Wing restoring faith in the Best Actor category and appropriately rewarding the upcoming revival of The Music Man at the 2022 Tonys.”
An anonymous source, who claims to be a prolific Broadway producer, was also emphatic about the news.
“LET’S SPEND THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS FORGETTING ABOUT THE STUPID HOLLYWOOD REPORTER GARBAGE WE WERE LOOKING AT WHILE COOPED UP IN OUR HOMES AND REMEMBER WHAT WILL MAKE EVERYONE FEEL JOY: AN ALL-WHITE REVIVAL OF THE MUSIC MAN STARRING HUGH JACKMAN AND SUTTON FOSTER WITH THE KEYS LOWERED. ”
Jackman was later seen dragging Cuomo through Times Square and into the Winter Garden Theater. Cuomo is reportedly expected to use any remaining Beetlejuice set pieces as temporary morgue for New York’s remaining COVID deaths.