by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Hollywood announced today that they would be recasting the role of notable movie musical director Tom Hooper with In The Heights and just announced Wicked director Jon M. Chu, sources confirmed.
“Tom has been such an iconic role over the last few years, and I’m thrilled to step into his shoes,” noted Chu, who is already wearing Hooper’s robe and sleeping in his bed to help prepare. “I don’t know why people keep asking if I’m gonna add CGI buttholes to my films. What a ridiculous, frankly disgusting question. Of course I am.”
Hooper has been sharing the role of movie musical man with director Rob Marshall, known for Chicago, Nine, Into The Woods and the upcoming live action The Little Mermaid adaptation. We caught up with Marshall, who kept reminding us that he directed the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie, as if we fucking asked.
“I’m thrilled to welcome Jon into our little group, but sad that this means we have to now completely shun Tommy,” noted Marshall while blocking Hooper’s number and email. “Rules are rules. As long as Jon doesn’t forget to edit out human hands where they shouldn’t be, or make Rebel Wilson eat dancing bugs, he should be fine. Hey, you guys like Pirates of the Caribbean?”
Some musical fans were less than enthused by Mr. Chu’s recent prominence.
“I’ll admit, In the Heights looks pretty great, but a Wicked movie is gonna be tough to nail. They should probably get someone like… I don’t know… maybe the guy who directed The King’s Speech?” noted theatre fan Tim Hopper, who was clearly Tom Hooper wearing green face paint. “Maybe if they just give that guy one more chance. Remember Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter in the Les Mis movie? That was pretty great right? I can make them Glinda and Elphaba. Just… wait, come back.”
At press time, Chu was already taking Wicked casting suggestions, sifting through submission videos from actors across the globe for the role of Dr. Dillamond. He received several videos from actor James Corden, dressed as a goat and licking himself, which were oddly sent weeks before Chu was announced as director.