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High School Willy Loman Absolutely Going to Town on Prop Whiskey

by Aidan Sears. @aidanjsears.

ROCHESTER, NY - North Valley High School’s production of Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman opened to glowing reviews last night, with many audience members singling out senior Henry Campfield’s turn as Willy Loman - noting his poise, gravitas, and the stunning amount of prop whiskey he was able to consume during the show’s two and a half hour run time, impressed sources confirm. 


“At first I was enraptured by how deftly Henry was able to physicalize the weight of Willy’s sorrow,” noted North Valley calculus teacher Mark Buckner. “Then I was enraptured by how insanely hard he was going in on that bottle of Wild Turkey. I mean, he was breaking up monologues with big 10-second pulls that would knock a horse on its ass. I had to admire his gusto, even if it kind of overshadowed every other aspect of the show.”


Other audience members reported similar experiences, with some noting concern over how violently Campfield yanked his neck back to get the bottle as vertical as possible, while also spinning the bottle to get it to cyclone down his throat faster. Director Leann Yeun credits these character choices solely to Campfield. 


“Loman is such a demanding role, especially for such a young actor,” Yeun said. “We worked tirelessly on restraining his emotions during his scenes with Biff, but Henry flat out refused to restrain how completely bananas we went on the prop whiskey, no matter how often I told him that’s not how you drink it - or anything, for that matter.”


Sources also say that Campfield’s voracious whiskey chugging created some tension among members of the crew. 


“We burned through 5 liters of Mott’s on opening night alone,” props manager Louise Alan said. “I had to run to Wegmans to buy more during intermission. I think he’s just overcompensating for last year’s cast party when he took two sips of a Natty Light before he started dry heaving, but no one’s forgotten about that.”


Campfield maintains that such claims are slanderous. 


“That’s just how I drink, dude,” Campfield said. “I freaking love alcohol. It burns nice and it tastes super good also,” he added before downing another glass carafe of room-temperature apple juice.


At press time, Campfield offered a statement to The Broadway Beat, claiming that he drank “so hard and correct” last night, and also had sex.