by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Please help! Members of our team recently looked directly into the eyes of Tony award-winning director, writer and designer Julie Taymor and, much like the stone-tinged victims of Medusa, were turned into visionary, daring, accolade-worthy stage puppets, our transformed team confirmed.
“That happens sometimes,” noted Taymor while considering whether to use her new puppets for good or evil. “The only remedy is to participate in a few workshops, maybe go through some alterations, run for a few years and then eventually be switched out for a new puppet performer. After that, you should return to your normal state - which is unfortunate, for you, as these puppets really are spectacular.”
While members of The Broadway Beat team are currently trying to tie their shoes with large, bedazzled, misshapen paws for hands, we were able to receive comment from other unfortunate souls who have suffered the wrath of Taymor’s talent.
“I was a fucking giraffe for six years,” noted The Lion King actress Elizabeth Simmens while massaging her own neck. “I was trying not to look Julie in the eyes during my first audition, but she clearly liked what I was doing because she forcefully looked into mine. I guess she figured that would lock me into the role. It hasn’t been a huge adjustment back, but it is annoying to have to ask for help reaching the top shelf again.”
Other past puppets spoke of their time as velvet creatures with a bit more nostalgia.
“The puppet years were truly my best,” noted actor Rick Gutems, who portrayed Swiss Miss in Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark as he longingly played with a swiss army knife. “I’m constantly trying to track Julie down to look into her eyes again, even if it’s for just a brief return to my plush state. However, I can only seem to catch her in reflections, and looking into her eyes through a mirror actually has the reverse effect. I’ve never been so non-puppet in my fucking life.”
At press time, our staff are preparing for a Taymor-helmed production of Oedipus Rex with the hope that it’ll streamline their transition back into normal people. However, past puppets have noted that a long term side effect of the transformation into auteur-level designs in the form of initial critical acclaim followed by increased, at times controversial divisiveness.