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Help! I Forgot "Pretty Woman" Is Still Running and I'm In The Show

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.


NEW YORK, NY – Oh, shit. Oh, god, oh, shit.


Listen. I really dropped the ball this time. This is on me. But if you could do me a huge favor, I’d really appreciate it... please.


I was in my kitchen earlier, settling in for a nice day inside, you know, eating my Wheaties, surfing the BroadwayWorld message boards, when I come across a closing notice for Pretty Woman, and I was like “Oh, shit - that show’s still running?” And then I was like, “Oh. Shit. I’m in that show!”


This has never happened to me before, I swear. Not when I was in Bright Star, or Something Rotten!, or even Gentleman’s Guide. Never. I don’t know what happened. Maybe just the malaise of doing it for… five years now? Three months? Some period of time. I think, you know, it definitely didn’t help when Andy Karl stepped out. And when we didn’t even get a mention at the Tonys, I guess we all just assumed...


But no, I guess we’re still doing it. Shoot. I hope I can remember my lines. I know I play the, um, some character. Am I the kindly doorman guy? Hector Elizondo’s character? Or am I the girl who’s like “You can’t afford anything in here” and then Julia Roberts is all “Big mistake?” Is that my big song? That’s got to be a song, right?


Am… am I the Pretty Woman?


Whenever I try to picture the show, all I can see is the Playbill cover. Sometimes that three-second promo they play in taxi cabs between unfunny Tonight Show jokes and ads for a city you’re already in. Anyone else have this problem? I try, I try so hard to remember, but all I, all I… um. I just...


Anyway, if you could give me a ride to the show, it’d really mean a lot. It’s just down at the… shit. What theater is it in? Not the Lunt-Fontanne. Not the Barrymore. Not… just, I don’t know, drive around until you hear the sounds of Samantha Barks doing the Julia Roberts laugh.