by Nick Brigis. @nickbrigis.
NEW YORK, NY - NYU Tisch Junior Mary Kate Daehler was shocked to discover the newest member of her friend group, Anna, a sophomore who saw Hamilton on Broadway with the original cast, was somehow even more annoying about that than her friend who spent a semester abroad, sources confirmed.
“To be honest, I really thought nothing could irk me more than Janet’s incessant ramblings about ‘Bar-the-lona’ - but that all changed when I met Anna,” bemoaned a defeated Mary Kate. “I can say with total confidence that If I have to hear one more time about when she stage-doored at The Public and made eye contact with Lin, I’m literally going to dig up Aaron Burr’s grave and use his cold dead hands to fire a flintlock through both our temples.”
Mary Kate’s roommate and childhood friend Jessica Jacobs was quick to agree.
“I’m sure Anna is a nice girl who has a lot of interesting thoughts and opinions, but you’d never know,” noted Jacobs. “Whenever the group goes out she refers to us as the Schuyler sisters, and at our last party she got really drunk and told everyone she calls her vibrator King George. C’mon girl, he’s the bad guy!”
Not all of the “Schuyler Sisters” shared this sentiment. Janet Newcomb was quick to sing the praises of the newest group addition. “I love Anna, she’s the best!" proclaimed Newcomb, ecstatically. “Plus, and this might sound crazy, but ever since she joined our little squad, it seems everyone else is way more interested in all my fun stories from abroad. I lived in Bar-the-lona, it was like the best thing ever. Here, let me show you some pictures.”
Anna was unavailable for comment at the time of publication, as she was in the hospital recovering from a vocal tear after relentlessly trying to describe how she’s “pretty sure” Phillipa Soo recognized her on the street once.