by Russell Aguirre.
LOS ANGELES - With pet adoption and fostering at an all time high during this period of quarantine, Universal Studios has announced the launch of their new foster program meant to aid the struggling cast of their latest box office flop, Cats. As of this writing, hundreds of the furry little atrocities that have been labeled by critics as “ugly,” “nightmare inducing, ”and “God’s punishment to the furry community,” are being relocated to new homes across the nation, loving sources confirmed.
“We just thought it was the humane thing to do,” says Universal PR agent Mallory Hawkins. “These poor, hideous creatures have had a rough start, but we are confident that we can find even the most grotesque abomination of CGI a good home. It’s always sad when a movie debut doesn’t take off, but you can give little Francessca Hayward here the second chance she deserves. Plus, as an added perk in this era of social distancing, the offputting appearance of our cats will guarantee that you’ll never have company again.”
Several of the cats have already gone on to have very successful adoption stories. Rebel Wilson, better known as the old Gumbie Cat Jennyanydots, is now the proud adoptee of Long Island native Gladys Newman.
“It’s the best gig I’ve ever had”, Wilson says as she stretched out on her new owner’s sofa and enjoyed a fresh box of Friskies Party Mix. “I thought my career was over after that movie came out, but this foster program gave me an amazing new life of belly rubs and the occasional flea and tick bath. What more could I want? Gladys here even taught me a new trick”, she said before dancing on her hind legs in exchange for a fresh sardine.
If a young cat/disgraced A list performer is too much responsibility for potential pet owners, none to fear; several of the senior cast members are up for adoption as well. Sir Ian Mckellen and Dame Judi Dench have found a new home in the care of San Antonio resident, Carl Lewis.
“They are incredibly low maintenance”, Lewis said as he scratched Sir Ian behind his ears the way he likes it. “All I do is mix their worm meds in with breakfast and then give Judi’s Oscar a polish once a week. They even recite Shakespeare on command,” he added as the elder feline duo proceeded to give a stirring performance of Macbeth before retreating to their respective crates for the evening.
For more information on how to adopt or foster a Cats cast member, please visit WWW.JELLICLEHOMESFORJELLICLECATS.Org. Each cat comes spayed, neutered, and with their buttholes digitally removed.