by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
Stony Brook, NY - Senior members of Stony Brook University’s Pi Kappa Alpha chapter expressed their excitement this week in regards to the group’s St. Patrick’s Day plans, which include traveling to Manhattan for a matinee of Broadway’s critically acclaimed “My Fair Lady” revival before hitting a few bars and getting “fucked up beyond all Godly recognition”, according to several fraternity members.
“It’s time for us to grow up a little,” noted chapter President Johnny “Fuck Sword” Marrone. “We’re about to graduate college, so I think we need to embrace culture a bit more. That’s why we’re all really pumped to go see ‘That Nice Lady’ or whatever - and then, since it’s St. Paddy’s, we’re of course gonna bar hop after and get just completely annihilated. It’s all about balance.”
While members of the frat, who plan to pregame on the train ride by alternating between ginger-cayenne cleansers and cans of warm Coors Light, were looking forward to the day, some of the production’s cast were understandably hesitant regarding their newfound fanbase.
“Oh Jesus Christ, again?” questioned veteran stage actress Natalie Knight, portraying Mrs. higgins in the classic musical’s latest iteration. “We’ve had so many frat boys and lax bros coming in lately trying to get some ‘culture’ before graduating, it makes no sense. All they do is yell “SKRRT SKRRT” during “The Rain In Spain” - it seems like any time there’s rhyming, they think it’s a Migos song?" she added in between vocal warmups.
"Plus they buy all the wine we have at concession and try to see how many they can funnel during ‘The Servants Chorus’, but then get all quiet and misty-eyed during ‘Without You’. I really wish they wouldn’t treat our classy, rich production as some kind of party/art hybrid, but if it keeps the lights on, then whatever.”
By time of publication, several members, including Sam “Pig Ass” Wilson and Jeremy “Blurf” Anderson III, were already blackout drunk while listening to an audiobook of John Steinbeck’s greatest short stories. When asked what the group’s spring break plans included, one of the only conscious members, Liam “Puke Dentist” Koy, noted that the group planned on attending a seminar on real estate investment before heading to Belize to get, as he explained, “so fucking melt fucked they’ll need our dental records to get back the AirBnb deposit.”