by Garrett Brown. @garrettbrownproductions.
MANCHESTER, NH – Celebrations erupted throughout the Manning Theatre at St. James College, as the Drama Club announced that the student health center was handing out free microphone pack protectors.
“I was there in the waiting room, when I saw this basket full of condoms labeled ‘Safety First!’ They were there to prevent damage to our audio equipment, of course,” revealed Drama Club President Ashley Chan while throwing small, gold foil wrapped condoms to the gathered masses. “I ended up grabbing several, and the student next to me winked and whispered 'Busy week ahead of you?' And I told them yes! As club president, it is my duty to ensure that every Drama Club member is safe and responsible this weekend at the Saturday Slay Cabaret: A Tribute to Stephen Sondheim."
Alex Blackwell, a freshman member of the Drama Club, was also ecstatic about the announcement.
“Before I left home this summer, my dad sat me down for 'The Talk' and gave me a box of condoms,” said Blackwell, as he began to fill his pockets with countless free prophylactics. “He told me that at college, I might find myself in a ‘situation’ and to keep one in my wallet. It was very sweet, but naive: I’ve been using them since I was Sky Masterson my Junior year.” Jay Bronson, a nurse employed at the Student Health Center, was less than enthused. “Are these the only theater kids in the world who have never been horny?” questioned a befuddled Bronson. “These aren’t even the right condoms. Mic pack condoms are non-lubricated, keeping sweat from damaging your equipment. The ones we hand out are the complete opposite. Maybe the Drama Club is just getting everyone ready for some kind of themed sex party where everyone only wears mic belts? That sounds like some weird artsy shit they’d do.”
President Chan finished her announcement by revealing that the Drama Club would be hosting a class next week to teach proper mic pack safety and application. Students will practice putting a mic protector on a cell phone, as well as learn to fight misconceptions like “reusing a condom for two separate performances is okay.”