by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
WILMINGTON, NORTH CAROLINA - Marty’s Old Fashioned Diner & Pie Shop, a local Wilmington establishment since 1932, was recently transformed from a quaint and comfy, family-owned eatery into an icey, Godless fuckscape after the cast of Wilmington Central High’s “Seussical” decided to gather following their Saturday evening performance.
“This happens every year, and it’s always an LSD-laced nightmare,” recounts owner Marty Feinstein III, who has overseen the beloved home-cooking haven passed down in his family through generations. “They were sitting on tables, blasting BTS from their iPhones, and my God… the cussing. They were so confident after that performance, especially without any parental supervision.”
Patrons were seen quickly gathering their belongings upon arrival of the cast, whose faces were still covered in a mixture of stage makeup, sweat and acne. Some diners, on the other hand, were a bit ignorant to what was happening.
“At first we thought it was so sweet,” notes Jennifer Belsen, who stopped at the diner with some friends during a road trip to Atlanta. “We were happy to see these kids celebrating, but after their second round of fries and milkshakes, we noticed a look in their eyes. These kids weren’t just celebrating - they were monsters, and they transformed that diner from a charming neighborhood nook into a musky, diseased snakepit of horrid fuck. I’m pretty sure nothing could have killed them.”
When asked about their behavior, which included reenacting almost the entire show, arguing with parents over the phone to let them stay out longer, and even more cussing, the students showed no remorse.
“We bought fries! You legally can’t kick us out, we’re paying customers,” smugly proclaimed Central High Junior Katie McGregory, fresh off her role as shy bird Gertrude McFuzz, which she referred to as “a fucking curbstomp of a performance.”
The students slowly disbanded around 2:30 am, by which point the diner had been almost fully taken over by these sickly yet strong beasts. Marty and the staff attempted to salvage the space, but noted their worry for what would come after the school’s Fall performance of “You Can’t Take It With You,” as the students would be several months older, which Marty rephrases as “several months stronger, several months more powerful, and several months more bloodthirsty” as he sips from a small vial of holy water.