by HaleyJane Rose. @haleyisfamous.
You Will Be Low-Key: Movie theaters across the globe are offering “deluxe” tickets for theatregoers attending the big screen adaptation of Dear Evan Hansen this weekend, with the extra fee including a soda, a large popcorn, and discreet packaging that makes it look like you’re seeing a different movie, relieved sources confirmed.
“This package is a life-saver,” said one local movie-goer, eyes darting behind his large decoy 3D glasses which read “These are totally for a big explosion movie and not for the shy boy one” along the arms. “With all the negative reviews and jokes surrounding Dear Evan Hansen, I knew I’d be a social outcast if I were seen entering the theatre. Now everyone’s certain I’m actually cool, because it looks like I’m seeing Shang-Chi, which I have to assume is a detective film.”
Daniel Lee, an AMC employee responsible for implementing this offer, was unimpressed with the secretive promise of these ticket packages.
“Do they really think we don’t know what they’re doing?” he asked, nailing a sign to one of the deluxe Dear Evan Hansen dummy theaters that says “we’re definitely watching Malignant in here!”. “It's pretty obvious when a bunch of girls in jewel tones and accent necklaces come out brutally criticizing all of the actors singing voices. Do... do they think there’s singing in all movies?”
Brenda Park, leader of the Movie Musical Fan Advocacy Group’s “Free The Ticket Stub!” movement, is deciding to do away with this “deluxe” offer.
“Seeing movie-musicals shouldn’t be a point of shame,” she shouted, while crafting an infographic in Canva. “We all do it, whether we talk about it or not. Seeing movie adaptations of musicals is beautiful, natural and should be normalized,” she added, rejecting the theater’s “in case of emergency” F9: The Fast Saga drink koozie.
At press time the Dear Evan Hansen publicity team was seen handing out “we’re actually using this to play a sport” baseball gloves, urging its sheepish viewers to break them in responsibly.