by Fiona Gorry-Hines. @cries_at_parties.
You just received terrible news: a new musical announced its supporting cast, and your theater camp nemesis, Michelle Mitchell, has landed a minor role.
Before you start filling out an application for a real estate job listing on Playbill, try taking these steps to recenter yourself:
1. Remind yourself that she’s a low-key nepo baby.
Her mom was in a book club with the mom of your 17-year-old counselor-in-training, Cody, and you know that had something to do with her getting the part of Reno Sweeney (even after being assured that the CITs “had absolutely no say in the casting process”).
2. Go to your parents’ house and make your family watch your camp production of “Beauty and The Beast” while you critique her vocals.
Being 14 is not an excuse: her rendition of “Home” was straight-up sloppy. Rewind to the moment she goes sharp until your tone-deaf mother, who keeps insisting that you were “adorable” as Mrs. Potts, really hears it.
3. Recall what her face looked like when your team won capture the flag.
Back in Stanislavski training, you used to close your eyes and remember how you felt when you ran past her and saw her dumb face all scrunched up and pissed whenever you needed to access “pure joy.” If it worked for an Affective Memory, it’ll work now.
4. Stalk her camp boyfriend on Instagram to make sure he’s still gay.
Michelle thought she was better than everyone just because she got kissed off-stage by one of the eight male campers, but that picture of Danny Levine and his husband in Palm Springs last month is a good reminder that Michelle’s three-month relationship with him was a sham.
5. Manifest the show closing early.
Based on reviews of the out-of-town previews, it’s not difficult at all to visualize the show’s final curtain falling faster than you can say “Bring Back Birdie.” She’ll be back on the audition grind in no time and if anything, that line on her resume will be a little embarrassing.
6. Make a Tik Tok about the time she “spilled” the mess hall maple syrup on your LaDucas to make sure she never works in this town again.
Your 76 followers will spread the word to the producers and casting directors (who will definitely take note.) Avoid seeming petty by leaving her name out and making a burner account to comment “guys I think she’s talking about Michelle Mitchell.”
If you still don’t feel better, just try and relax. Grab some wine, turn on your favorite TV show and – wait, is that dead body on CSI Michelle?! God damn it!