• Broadway Beat

CDC Warns Federal Reserve of Adaptable ‘80s Movies Running "Dangerously Low"

by Michael Bingham. @bingbongbingham.

ATLANTA - Terror struck the Broadway community today when CDC spokesman Dr. John Weatherford announced that the federal government’s emergency stockpile of musical-friendly ‘80s movies is nearly depleted.


“If things continue the way they are, our resources of nostalgic musical-friendly ‘80s movies will be completely spent,” Weatherford said. “We are going to have to resort to tapping into our emergency reserves of nostalgic musical-friendly ‘90s movies just to get by.”


Sharon Cohen, a local stage-mother and longtime lover of Broadway, was outraged.


“I think it’s an absolute travesty that the government would let this happen. I mean how do you run out of ‘80s movies? I have children for goodness sakes,” noted Cohen, pearls clutched. “How am I supposed to tell my son that there just aren’t any more Tom Hanks movies to go around, so now we have to see some show we don’t even already know the story to?”


We caught up with Dr.Jane Brooks, one of the many heroes fighting on the front line in the hunt for new adaptable movies.


“There has got to be something here. Something I’ve missed,” Dr. Jane Brooks muttered as she rifled through her local library’s VHS collection.Big? No. Already been done. We can’t do Footloose again. A Christmas Story?!’ Is nothing sacred?”


Jane’s words soon deteriorated into incoherent rambling.


At press time, the CDC has leaked that it is considering deploying a Back to the Future musical as a last resort. As she was leaving, Dr. Brooks blurted “Good God! Maybe 2020 itself was based on an ‘80s movie the whole time…I wonder which one.”