by Olivia McCormick. @nolikesliv.
WASHINGTON – In a briefing issued earlier today, the Center for Disease Control made an unexpected amendment to their prescribed handwashing protocol designed to curb the spread of COVID-19. While the recommendation remains two Happy Birthdays for the rest of the population, the CDC concluded that one is more than enough for star of stage and screen Mandy Patinkin.
"In the beginning, you're doing something good and necessary," said White House Coronavirus Task Force Coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx. "But after a certain point, you're not adding anything, and it begins to become a drain on resources. There comes a time when it's clear you need to stop. For what it’s worth, though, he really is selling the song.”
Another CDC spokesperson went on to address a persistent stream of questions the agency has received from the 67-year-old actor.
"We want to be clear: it doesn't matter who you're singing Happy Birthday to, what age they're turning, what their motivation is, whether they have some sort of token that evokes home for them, or what they ate for breakfast,” noted representative Jennifer Lillins. “We don't know what they wished for as they closed their eyes and blew out the candles, and as of yet, we have no way of calculating whether it will come true or not. It is the CDC's position that it is not strong character work that saves lives, but rather doing what scientists say."
Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, weighed in with his own thoughts.
"It's beautiful what Mandy does. Really, it is,” noted Fauci with the utmost sincerity. “We need beauty right now, but we also need water."
Patinkin couldn't be reached for comment as he couldn't hear his landline over all the humming he was doing on the porch. Original Marvin in Falsettos Chip Zien did, however, reach out unprompted to let reporters know that, for what it’s worth, he doesn't seem to have this problem.
At press time, CDC scientists were hard at work trying to figure out what to do about Lin-Manuel Miranda.