by Justin Ayer. @justayer (Instagram). @justinayer (Twitter).
ATLANTA - CDC officials have hired a slew of Hamilton cast members to track down thrown away COVID-19 vaccine shots after claims/rumors that some hospitals have been throwing away unused vaccines, the infamous “anti-shot throwers” have confirmed.
“After being unemployed for a while it was great to be hired again,” said Malcom Noble, one of the Hamilton cast members who took up crocheting tiny bayonets to pass the time. “Not only are we limber and handsome, but we are aware what it means to not throw away a shot. Also, finders keepers. I’ll vaccinate myself so much I’ll be immune to everything.”
Robert Redfield, the current director of the CDC who once bet on Lin-Manuel Miranda’s ponytail at an auction, was the brainchild behind the idea.
“I got the idea after recently listening to the cast album for the thousandth time,” said Redfield, who had made his signed playbills of Hamilton his background on Zoom. “The cast is young, scrappy, and hungry. Mainly hungry, because they’ve been unemployed, so why not employ them to find these shots and possibly those who were about to throw away their shot...I mean the vaccine shots.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the current director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, wasn’t the most supportive of the CDC’s decision.
“Yes, these fine young men and women are very talented - but is it really the best idea to have them running around the country like this?” asked Dr. Fauci, who liked In The Heights better. “I get it; they think this isn’t a moment, but a movement. However, I’ve already had hospitals calling me saying that there are some people shouting from the rooftops ‘whoa whoa whoa’ and that doesn’t make sense, since those missing vaccines wouldn’t even be on a rooftop.
Noble and the other cast members have been unsuccessful at finding the missing shots so far - leading into an investigation inside the investigation of the cast. That’s when Redfield admitted he sent the cast on a wild goose chase so he could become an honorary cast member of Hamilton. He did not become an honorary cast member and is awaiting trial for misappropriation of government funds.