Burglar Taps, Sings a Little During Robbery, Just In Case Person He’s Robbing, Like, Knows Somebody
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
SACRAMENTO - Serial cat burglar Samuel DeFrenz entered the home of 63-year old Madelyn Horowitz at around 3:30am this past Wednesday, attempting to steal any goods and cash available, while also being sure to wear his new BLOCH tap shoes and to project his baritone voice in case the woman hears him and knows somebody in the industry, sources confirmed.
“Everybody has a different story of how they made it,” noted DeFrenz as he awaits trial for the Class 3 felony. “Best case scenario, she hears me tapping and riffing down there and thinks ‘I’ve gotta get this person in some rooms’, and I can put this life of crime behind me. Worst case scenario, she catches me and doesn’t think I have what it takes. That would be heartbreaking. Also, she would probably call the police, so that would suck too.”
Horowitz called 911 after hearing DeFrenz tapping along as he hummed “We’re in the Money” in her living room, just a little off-pitch. She insists she never considered whether or not the man in her home could be a star.
“I work in finance for a grocery store chain, I don’t know anybody in entertainment,” noted Horowitz. “But even if I did - his Buck Irish was incredibly sloppy and his breath control was a mess. His stage presence wasn’t so much commanding as it was just begging to take orders. Listen, I’m all for ‘shooting your shot’, but when it’s time to shoot, make sure you at least have the ball.”
The Broadway Beat caught up with Sacramento Police Department Chief Damien Bellow for his take on the odd crime.
“This isn’t new. People are always trying new ways of mixing crime with their big break,” claimed Bellow. “We had a woman try mugging a couple, but instead of asking for their wallets, she just leapt into a monologue from Miss Julie. The couple actually were casting directors, and they found her performance to be fully lived-in, with a vulnerability that can only come from someone whose true nature calls on them to perform. But, they still turned her in, because she was, you know, robbing them.”
At press time, DeFrenz was attempting to plead insanity to justify the crime, adding that “if wanting to bring my art to the masses makes me crazy, then lock me up,” which, according to the District Attorney, they likely will - but strictly for the crime, not for wanting to perform.
DeFrenz is planning to perform his new one man show in front of the jury, even though his lawyer advised him that “that’s not how court works”, and, even if it was, “the show needs a ton of notes before it’s even ready for blocking, let alone an audience.”