• Broadway Beat

Broadway Usher Who Tested Positive for Coronavirus Just Happy to Get Any Sort of Exposure

by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.



NEW YORK, NY – The Broadway community was hit with some shocking news this past Wednesday, when it was announced an usher for both the revival of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and the hit musical Six had tested positive for coronavirus - a move which could not have been better for the usher, who was just happy to get any kind of press, sources confirmed.


“This is fantastic,” said the usher, who for medical and legal reasons could not be named, but who kept trying to give us their name anyway. “I mean, this is really good exposure. My last show was in some basement in Red Hook. Red Hook! And now I’m in the New York Times! As an artist, it’s tough to get your name out there, so I’m really grateful, even if it does mean I accidentally put countless lives at risk. I’m the face of a movement.”


The usher has since been quarantined in their apartment for their safety and the safety of others, but that hasn’t stopped them from throwing copies of their headshot from their sixth-story fire escape. Other members of the acting community are less-than-thrilled of this usher’s success.


“Hey, I’ve got it too,” said Lucky Guys’ Tom Hanks. “But they didn’t shut down Broadway for me. It’s, like, come on. What do I have to do to win back the American public? I guess it’s true what they say - fame really does come in waves. Glad this kid finally got his big break.”


The Broadway Beat caught up with another usher at Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? for their take on the news story.


“I came to New York two years ago with a buck and a prayer, same as them. I just keep thinking… maybe it could’ve been me,” said the usher. “It’s all about taking advantage of these moments. I hear he’s already working on a podcast about the experience, and selling branded face masks and gloves. He hasn’t answered any of my congratulatory supplies, though - I guess fame really does reveal a person’s true colors.”


At press time, the infected usher was seen photoshopping himself into selfies with his “stans”, and setting up a virtual master class in marketing for the arts, the message of which is to just be sick often so when it counts, you’re “ready to strike”.