by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
NEW YORK, NY – The holidays are here again, and again you’re rushing to find some last-minute presents for all the theatre lovers in your life! Fret not - here’s The Broadway Beat’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide!
ALL OF DANNY DEVITO’S FUCKIN’ STUFF
Yeah. Yeah. Look at all this goddamn stuff. There’s so much of it, and it’s all yours now. Used to be his, but now he’s handed you the metaphorical keys. And maybe some actual keys. Jesus Christ, look at it all. We don’t even have to say the name of the show, you know what we’re talking about.
GUTENBERG’S “SPECIAL GUEST”-SHAPON MACHINE
Broadway’s hottest ticket has just become Broadway’s hottest gashapon-style mystery prize game! Spin the wheel, turn the crank, and see who shows up in the last 90 seconds of your show! Ariana DeBose, Patti LuPone, F. Murray Abraham - every prize a winner, every winner a prize! (Please note: some bugs are still being worked out. Scientists aren’t sure why so many Jackie Hoffmans keep coming out.)
GREY HOUSE-BRAND “MAN SOUP”
The spookiest, yummiest gift this season! Your mouth will water and you watch this garish broth swirl around in its mason jar — you can practically taste the past sins of entitled men just by looking at it! Goes great however you prepare it: chilled, heated, forcibly funneled down your throat as you’re held down by ghost children, however! Pairs well with Mrs. Lovett’s Brand “Man Biscuits.”
MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG WRISTWATCH BUT IT UH IT MOVES BACKWARDS IS THIS ANYTHING
Sorry, we’re writing this one while waiting for the results of the Merrily lottery. We checked the box for every possible date - even Christmas, which we’re pretty sure doesn’t have a show - so surely there’ll be space for us, right?
Anyway, this is like a watch but the hands move backwards because it’s like, because the musical does that, and it’s, and the time is moving backwards like how in the musical it’s backwards, and like their three faces can be on like the hands of the clock or like on the numbers or - hang on, got the TodayTix email, annnnnd… We can’t win ‘em all.
THE SHARK FROM THE SHARK IS BROKEN
He’s your problem now.
APPROPRIATE PLAYSET
Now you too can reenact the trials and tribulations of the Lafayette family over one stressful weekend! This 24,000-piece set comes with piles of dusty magazines, antique furniture, and a certain replica-sized photo album. Takes hours to assemble, but only minutes to tear down this crumbling veneer of family normalcy! Sarah Paulson doll - with over ten NSFW catchphrases - sold separately.
SLIME
Let’s face it: your parents just don’t understand your interests. But they’re trying, as evidenced by the buckets and buckets of slime you found sitting under the tree. Turns out they searched your YouTube history and noticed how many “slime tutorials” you’ve watched. They guess you love that stuff. Now look them in their dumb, smiling faces and tell them this is what you’ve always wanted.
NETFLIX’S TICK…TICK…BOOM! ON DVD
Um, thanks? Your uncle handed this to you wrapped in what looked to be a Polish newspaper. He’d already moved to the food table before you could ask him how the divorce is going, but you supposed that was answer enough. You’re not even sure you could get this on DVD, and certainly not on a disc with the words “Tick Tock Bang” hastily written across its scratched surface. Your uncle’s already back in his car. You’ll see him next year.
CORN
It grows and grows in rows and rows from dust. Maybe love just needs a little sweet corn, street corn, it's really hard to beat corn. Hands or feet, no wrong way to eat corn. It's a resource that's always renewable. Bring it to a bris, or a wedding, or a funeral. Cook on the cob, or in a tortilla. You can even make it an onomatopoeia. Candy corn, kettle corn, put it in your mouth. It's the same going in coming out. We’re doing the lyrics from Shucked, do you get that.
ROGER BART
Look at this man. Look at him stumble through “It Works.” He’s so tired, isn’t he? Please let him sleep in your comfiest chair for just, like, an hour. Please.
A WAREHOUSE FULL OF THOSE ONCE UPON A ONE MORE TIME WRISTBANDS
This may seem like a strange gift, but trust us, just you wait. Climb the steep hill a little beyond the warehouse and look west. Around 8:45pm (9:45pm on weekends), all those glass windows light up like the Aurora Borealis, and you feel, if only for a moment, a Deep Understanding at the Heart of it All. You know why we’re all here, and how. It’s Britney, bitch.
A CHANCE TO STAR AS A LEADING ACTRESS OR MINOR PART IN A MAJOR NEW MUSICAL
There’s a new musical starring Aaron Lazar, Norm Lewis, Tim Howar, Doug Kreeger & Introducing James Good – and soon, maybe you! They’ve auditioned over 1,500 singers/actresses for their leading lady. They have auditioned unknowns, huge Broadway stars, and even movie/pop stars and not found the perfect girl who can find the place within her to open and sing from her heart and soul and hit low alto notes and high soprano notes and make the producers cry. The part requires the full voice belt to be an Eb above high C and head voice Ab above high C. In addition to the lead role, they are looking for a couple guys and one more woman to play minor roles. The women would sing two parts, a child’s mother 8 measures – and about 40 measures of a sadistic nurse giving a shot. The men would be playing soldiers – a pretty decent amount of singing and you need to keep up and sound as good as the 4 Broadway legends listed above. One of the soldier extras could be female too.
PLEASE NOTE: they’d prefer the minor characters come from Boston, however, you can come from anywhere. They cannot pay travel for the minor characters but if they hire you they'll give you $150 a day per diem on top of pay if outside of New England. Alicia, the leading lady can come from anywhere on Earth and travel will be paid if they find her on Earth. It's been a journey.
TICKETS TO CABARET
jk it’s more slime