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BREAKING: Pirelli Reports Miracle Elixir 99.5% Effective Against COVID-19

by Olivia McCormick.

LONDON - As the race to develop a vaccine and stop the spread of the novel coronavirus seems to be ever-widening, a new competitor has emerged from the pack. In an impromptu press conference held on Fleet Street earlier today, Monsieur Adolfo Pirelli announced that his Miracle Elixir boasts a self-reported 99.5% efficacy, placing him out in front of the competition. Could this be the key to finally stopping the deadly outbreak?


“‘Twas Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, that’s why I ain’t sick, sir. Pfizer who?” provided Toby, a young trial participant somewhere between the ages of 10 and a short 35, in testimony. “With Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir, you can even lick, sir, subway poles.”


In a pre-emptive strike aimed to quell the fears of those saying the offer seemed too good to be true, Pirelli himself then took to the stage to explain his methodology.


“You take-a the virus, you kill-a the germ, you add-a some stuff, and put it in arm. You peel-a the band-aid, you slap-a it on, and just-a like this, corona is gone.”


Still, some remain skeptical given the elixir’s swift emergence, lofty promises, and lack of scientific data.


“I wouldn’t take it, no,” said Lottie Davis, a passerby who had only stopped because she thought it was a flash mob thing. “I need more information. I like to know what I’m putting in my body,” she added, collecting her take-away from Mrs. Lovett’s Pie Shop.


At press time, reporters were still waiting for Pirelli to re-emerge after being seen entering challenger Moderna’s special upstairs lab hours prior.