by Brian Cudina. @BrianCudina.
NEW YORK, NY. — Audience member Chrysler Biggens struggled to keep his cool at a recent performance of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Parts 1 & 2 as he vocally gushed and awed at the stage effects just one goddamn minute into the 5 and a half hour marathon.
“Did you see those books?! And that hat?!” screamed Biggens after a simple magic trick on stage. Adorning his Gryffindor (of course) robe and round glasses, Biggens unintentionally warned his fellow section by “wooing” multiple times when the cell phone announcements came on.
Biggens had not read the book, instead opting for a “complete experience.”
“My friend who saw it got a pin that said #KeepTheSecrets, and boy am I glad he did,” said Biggens, again while the fucking show was going on.
Other audience members certainly took notice.
“This is gonna be a long show, and we’re only 10 minutes into Part One,” said Maria Dane, a patron sitting one seat in front of him. “I read the book, so I know the end of Part One will give him a stroke, and to be honest I’m praying for it.”
Biggens won his tickets via the Friday Forty, a weekly lottery from ticketing app TodayTix. TodayTix CEO Teddy Thompson took full blame for the event.
“This one is on us,” said Thompson. “We need to do a better job of vetting our winners. The simple random lottery allows for adult fans who treat shows like children’s theater, and that’s not ok. Also, like... come on dude.”
This is not the first time a member of the Biggens family has caused uproar on Broadway. His mother, Mrs. Ariel Biggens, is known as that lady who said in full voice “wow, he’s talented,” during Gavroche’s death in a recent performance of Les Miserables.
The night was mercifully saved by actor James Snyder, who plays the titular wizard, when he turned to Biggens completely in character and shouted, “Petrificus Totalus!” to applause from the entire audience. Biggens of course played along, and remained “frozen” for the remainder of Part One.
Biggens is expected to remain pretend frozen for the full 3-hour interval between parts.