by Sarah Rabinowitz. @SarahRabinowitz.
HAMPTON COURT PALACE, U.K. - A British man who agreed to speak to The Broadway Beat on condition of anonymity was outraged to learn that his six ex-wives had collaborated on a smash hit musical that details the demise of their marriages.
“We would have seen this coming from the bloody Boleyn girl, but not our Jane,” cried the man, referring to himself in the royal we, whoalso requested we don’t print the musical’s name as that could be “incriminating”. “How dideth they even meet each other? I demand to hold court with the King of Broadway.” Nathan Lane was not available for comment.
Thomas Cromwell, the man’s chief minister who had an inkling that he was under consideration for beheading, was quick to jump to his defense.
“Without disclosing too much information, I can say that this man is the Supreme Head of the Church of England and it’s crucial that he finds a wife to bear a male heir,” Cromwell insisted, placing a hand on his neck to make sure it was still intact. “If the lady canst fulfill her duty then it doth end anon--divorce, beheading, dying, divorce, beheading, no surviving!”
Kristen Greene, a New York City birdwatcher who recently spotted carrier pigeons with death threats, headed towards the Brooks Atkinson Theater to caution the women in question.
“Whoever this guy is, he’s not joking around,” warned Greene, tracing the outline of the royal coat of arms embossed on a fallen scroll with her finger. “In this letter, he threatened to destroy the show just as he destroyed over 800 British monasteries in the early 16th century.”
At press time, the anonymous man was considering his course of action, citing prop destruction and full-on war as promising next steps.