by Brady Thomas. @cbradyt.
NEW YORK, NY. — Struggling Broadway Beat writer Eliza Hoffman, upon noticing the utter dearth of Broadway news content, has taken to yelling out the names of stage actors in a desperate bid for attention.
“Andrew Rannells!” shouted Hoffman, frantically browsing five different message boards looking for something, anything to use as story material. “He’s got enough name recognition for a few clicks, right? Or should I switch it up, start screaming about Laura Benanti instead? Fuck it, let me check twitter again, see if anyone’s been cancelled.”
Gavin Waller, another Broadway Beat freelancer, barely registered his coworker as he hunched over his phone, looking for gossip on Tik Tok.
“Look, I know it’s dumb,” said Waller, eyes glazed over as he hit refresh again. “But what else are we supposed to do? Nobody’s announced a closing date, casting rumors are pretty quiet, we haven’t had a sex scandal in a minute. I mean, Patti LuPone hasn’t even beefed with anyone, for fuck’s sake!”
Rebecca Park, Eliza’s beleaguered roommate, had a similarly weary reaction to Hoffman’s frantic search for a headline.
“Look, I saw The Lion King on a school trip back when I was 12, but I don’t know who the fuck these people are,” Park sighed as Hoffman texted her a list of stage actors to see who she’d recognize. “I guess she’s decided that makes me her barometer for how much one of her little stories is gonna resonate outside the 15 people who make up her core audience. She kept pestering me for a name until I realized that I recognized that one guy from my Girls rewatch. Alex Reynolds, or something.”
Upon submitting her headline, Hoffman decided to take matters into her own hands by marching over to the Lunt-Fontanne Theatre.
Sources say she hoped that screaming “Andrew Rannells” throughout the performance would create enough of a scene to drive up traffic on searches bearing the name of the beloved Tony nominee.
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