by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio. Additional names by Edward Precht @pertoltprecht.
Netflix’s adaptation of Matt Crowley’s seminal play The Boys in the Band launches today, taking a look at the intersecting lives on multiple gay men as they converge at the same dinner party in 1968 New York City. Several boys were infamously cut last minute from both the play and the film, but luckily, we’re here to countdown those boys once and for all. Where does your favorite lost boy land? Found out below!
6. Fizzy Boy
This boy’s always drinking soda pop! He burps up a storm and the sound of him swapping out the SodaStream canister was ultimately distracting to the drama unfolding throughout the play, so Fizzy Boy had to go. Still, he lives on forever in our ranking.
5. Jumping Boy
This boy is constantly jumping. Up and down, onto furniture and off. He’s a source of great distress at the party, particularly to the host, who can’t help but notice Jumping Boy hopping on his couch every 15 minutes. We’ll never forget you, friend.
4. Soggy Boy
This motherfucker is soaking wet. Everything about him is soggy. He won’t tell anyone how he got so wet. Just shows up at the party, splish sploshing all over the hor d'oeuvres table. In fact, some at the party say he’s actually getting wetter as it goes on, despite him not coming in contact with any more liquid. Nasty.
3. Christmas Eve Boy
This boy is well liked, but is a bit too seasonally specific for this play. Plus, he gets very angry if you accidentally call him “Christmas Boy”. He insists he’s Christmas Eve Boy, and that Christmas Boy is an entirely different position he was unfortunately passed up for.
2. Is that… is that Ben Platt in a fake mustache?
Wait, what the heck? Did... he think we wouldn’t notice? I mean he starts every sentence with “hello I am not Ben Platt”, as if that wouldn’t raise suspicions. Yeah, not surprised he was cut. Extra weird considering this play is from the 60s, though.
1. Breakfast Boy
He’s coiffed, has secrets, and fits in perfectly with the plot. He’s a foil to multiple characters and has an incredible depth and realness to all of his dialogue. Also, he was supposed to be played by your favorite actor! Whoever that actor is! The problem? He’s into breakfast, and baby, this play's about dinner. Oh what could have been.
Luckily, we hear Ryan Murphy is currently developing spinoff series for each of the boys above, as well as newly introduced boys such as Radish Boy, Tickle Boy, Lights Boy, Frat Boy, Old Timey Chimney Sweep Boy, Christmas Boy (much to the chagrin of Christmas Eve Boy), Spent a Semester Abroad Boy, Rick, and Ben Platt in a fake mustache.