by Conrad Sager. @conradsager.
EARTH - An alien civilization from a far-off galaxy recently concluded a vast study assessing the merits of humankind, with the study’s overseeing committee presenting its findings this morning. The extraterrestrials have confirmed that Earth and its inhabitants are “the literal worst,” as evidenced by an actor’s “mortifying” self-tape blooper post. The committee plans to evaporate the planet by the end of this week.
“It’s a shame because we thought you guys were really cool at first,” said the committee’s leader, a four-dimensional being presented as a hologram named Cynthia. “We loved the Pyramids and the Great Wall, and every season of Real Housewives was fabulous. But when we saw that an actor posted ‘quirky’ outtakes from his self-tape for the Gossip Girl remake, we knew Earth was done.”
A second alien being, presented as a hologram named Michael, because he "could kind of see himself as a Michael", helped explain the decision. It was clear he was struggling to hide his petulant disdain for all of humanity.
“We came across this actor Anthony Bakersfield on Instagram,” said Michael, gagging visibly at the mention of Anthony’s name. “He posted six different versions of him screwing up the same two words of what is clearly a very simple sentence. It was like he wanted us to think he was being vulnerable, but we all know he was just bragging about having a Gossip Girl audition. And he kept laughing at himself, saying, ‘Oh my god we have to delete that’, but clearly he didn’t delete it because he, you know, posted it? Just… ugh. It became clear that Earth would need to be boiled into nonbeing.”
Very quickly, the press room erupted into devastated sobs, and a hysterical journalist cried out begging for the aliens’ mercy.
“But why?! What about my family?!” screamed the journalist, after admitting that, yeah, Cynthia and Michael were nice name choices. “My niece is an actor, and she’s never done anything to deserve –” The journalist cut herself off, paused to think, and then continued.
“Well, actually, she posted one of those self-tape bloopers, and I do remember finding it, well, um… really fucking painful to watch. I guess, yeah, just vaporize us.”
In response to the tragic news, actors have taken to social media to share what shows you’ll miss seeing them in now that Earth is scheduled for annihilation.