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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

Actor Blissfully Unaware Why He’s Great in David Mamet Plays

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor.

STATEN ISLAND, NY - Garrett Steiner, a brazen actor who is known to take pleasure in being insulting, derisive, and rude, is confirmed to be blissfully unaware as to why he’s great in the works of controversial playwright David Mamet.

“I just walk into the room and knock it out of the [redacted] park,” Steiner said, sipping on a double imperial IPA while wearing a "Buff is the Stuff'' t-shirt. "I just have a way with the guy's words. They must get a bunch of [redacted] amateurs out for these auditions. No one can hit the metronome-esque delivery of the words like me. Is this interview gonna last much longer? I need to get ready for the Imagine Dragons concert.”

Lisa Cummings, who co-starred with Steiner in Speed-The-Plow, was not surprised that he was ignorant as to why Mamet’s Schmucks were always in his back pocket.

“I figured it out when he would come to rehearsal and regularly pants the stage manager,” noted Cummings, who we caught on her way to rehearsal for Something Better. "I had friends come to opening and their mouths were agape at his display. When they congratulated him after the show, he'd fist bump them and say 'you're [retracted] welcome' before cackling off to get another beer. I have to admit: I admire the tenacity, but he's a shocker sign away from being blacklisted in this city."

Joey Munger, Steiner's acting coach, recounts how he discovered him out of nowhere at a Buffalo Wild Wings.

"I was catching the MMA PPV when I heard GS go on an expletive-filled rant about the FCC, the MTC, the OPP, and the M-O-U-S-E," said Munger, sipping on his sixth double Americano over the course of our 30 minute conversation. "I asked him if he ever considered acting and he said he'd try. The Shakespeare wasn't right, The O'Neill wasn't right - then one day I thought I heard him performing one of Mamet's lesser known pieces over the phone, but it turned out he was just yelling at his subordinate. That's when I knew."

When asked what he would do if people stop staging Mamet's works because of his controversial views, Steiner shrugged and said "I 'unno, I'd like to try to work on Neil Labutt [sic]."


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