by Sarah Lasko. @saraheleora.
NEW PALTZ, NY – In a surprise turn of events, it was announced that actor Cassie Abbott is actually so rare a talent that there aren’t any roles in the musical theatre canon fit for her.
“She has that certain something that’s indescribable, a je ne sais quoi of sorts,” gushed casting director Kara Stubin, while deleting Abbott’s headshot from her Breakdown Services submissions. “Whenever she comes in to audition, I’m blown away. There’s nothing quite like her.”
When asked if she’d ever offered Abbott a role, Stubin said, “Oh yeah, no. She’s not really right, you know? So good though.”
Abbott recently completed a BFA in Musical Theatre from the University of Ann Arbor, where she spent four years boldly attempting to get onstage.
“She showed up and sang, and we were all like, ‘she’s the one!’” shared Professor Solomon Cox, renowned for originating the hand-on-stomach acting technique, now used in ballads across North America. “I’ll always be proud to have cast her in a leading role during her time here.” Cox later clarified that Abbott played the cow in Into the Woods her senior year.
Theatre researcher Alan Gregory was brought in to examine the phenomenon.
“We’ve never seen a uniqueness of this proportion. Our team has spent weeks paging through every show, every composer, and we just keep coming back empty. This actor is so incredibly distinctive that there may indeed be no hope for them. So good though.”
At press team, Abbott is currently applying to get her MFA in Acting.
“I’m feeling confident that this is the missing piece for me. Once I have my Master’s, that’s when casting will really take notice.”