by Rebecca Ballinger. @reberkk.
COLUMBUS, OH - Saint Helena University is facing scrutiny after tenured theatre professor Hugo Harding, who has not been to an audition himself since the 1980s, insisted all women wear heels while auditioning.
“When Professor Harding first told me to wear heels, I was confused because I was auditioning for Mother Courage. But he’s not a misogynist or anything. He encourages all his female students to practice Power Dressing,” assured sophmore Sophia Riddle, while sewing pillow-sizes shoulder pads into all her jewel-toned dresses. “He also says that Reaganomics is going to save the country.”
Perched in his brass and wicker corner office, Professor Harding quickly doubled down on his conservative mindset toward women’s footwear.
“I don’t see what the issue is. A house costs $40K. Bill Cosby is America's Dad. Women audition in heels. These are just facts,” he said while tinkering with his electric typewriter. “Now who wants a Tab and Sara Lee pound cake?”
Adjunct professor Owen Joyce has urged his co-worker to acquaint himself with the modern-day audition room.
“Since he hasn’t interacted with our industry since movie theaters let you smoke, I’ve encouraged Harding to at least go to an open call. He just dismissed me, claiming he literally wrote the book on auditioning,” Joyce said while pulling out a signed copy of Professor Harding’s book Women Should Wear Heels as High as the Berlin Wall.
Update: In a turn of events that will surprise no one, it was revealed that Professor Hugo Harding truly believed it was 1985 due to a botched interaction with a souped-up jalopy and Christopher Lloyd. He has since been replaced by Professor Cindy Berger, who knows it’s 2023 and believes all female students should get Botox.