BREAKING: The WATER FOR ELEPHANTS Elephant met the KING KONG Puppet and the WAR HORSE Horse and Now She’s Doing a CHALLENGERS With Them
- Broadway Beat
- Aug 16, 2024
- 1 min read
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - Ah shit. It looks like Rosie the elephant from Water for Elephants met the King Kong Puppet from King Kong and the War Horse from War Horse, and instead of just doing normal puppet things, she’s doing a Challengers with them.
“To be the best, you have to beat the best - both physically and mentally,” noted Rosie, sporting a short bob that we don’t remember her having in the show. “I’m taking such good care of my little Very Heavy Puppets.”
The King Kong Puppet - who is the Mike Faist in this scenario, I guess? - was quick to weigh in on his role.
“This is all just a hiccup. I know what I’m capable of. I’ve never been more committed to my craft. Well, I mean I guess I was more committed when my show was running, but don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll be available for licensing real soon,” claimed the KKP, who then sat in a chair and silently (sexually?) glared at the War Horse for a while.
The War Horse in question, however, was all smiles.
“Trust me - I know I’m the one she wants. Does five Tony awards and a film adaptation mean nothing anymore?” asked the WH while eatin’ a banana - famously a gorilla’s favorite food. “Also, are you gonna finish that sandwich?”
At press time, Rosie was seen jumping up and screaming real loud as King Kong did indeed announce that it’s available for licensing.
This article is a reminder that the best satire is specific. Anyone can write a generic joke about Broadway being dramatic. It takes real craft to write a joke that only works if you know that King Kong the musical exists, that it has not been widely licensed yet, that War Horse has five Tonys and a film, and that Challengers features a specific kind of competitive romantic triangle with a very particular visual aesthetic. The Broadway Beat earns its laughs. A collection of inspirational movie quotes could provide the kind of motivational framing Rosie needs before making her final puppet choice. Inspirational quotes for depression is a gentle reminder that even King Kong Puppet, in his darkest post-closing-night moment, deserves compassion…
The detail that King Kong "sat in a chair and silently (sexually?) glared at the War Horse for a while" is doing so much work in so few words. The parenthetical question mark on "sexually" is a masterclass in comedic hedging — it commits to the implication while maintaining just enough plausible deniability to make it funnier. This is the kind of writing that looks effortless but is actually very difficult to get right. For anyone inspired by this article to plan a Broadway-themed event or party, a weddingplanningchecklist could be repurposed as a Very Heavy Puppets commitment ceremony planning guide. A chinesegendercalendar could determine the auspicious timing for Rosie to finally choose between her two suitors. A mixednumbercalculator could calculate the fractional…
The Broadway Beat consistently does something that very few theater publications manage: it writes about Broadway with genuine love and deep knowledge while also being completely willing to be ridiculous about it. This piece is a perfect example. You can only write a joke this specific — the Mike Faist casting, the Challengers reference, the banana detail — if you actually know and care about all of these shows. For fans who want to track the full timeline of Very Heavy Puppet drama as it develops, a linecounter could help audit the growing archive of Broadway Beat satire pieces for word count and comedic density. A payraisecalculator could model what a fair wage increase might look like for puppet operators given the…
There is something genuinely touching underneath all the absurdity here. These three shows — Water for Elephants, King Kong, and War Horse — each represent a particular kind of theatrical ambition: the desire to bring something enormous and technically impossible to life on a stage and make an audience believe in it completely. The fact that they are all being playfully roasted in the same satirical piece is actually a form of affection. For theater fans who care about the physical craft behind large-scale puppet and animal performance, a strength calculator could help estimate the physical demands on performers operating a full-scale War Horse puppet through eight shows a week. A body type calculator could theoretically profile the ideal physical build for…
The licensing announcement punchline at the end is perfectly timed. The entire article builds toward it — Kong's wounded pride, his insistence that he knows what he is capable of, the slightly desperate energy of someone who peaked and knows it — and then the payoff lands exactly when it should. Rosie jumping up and screaming is the ideal reaction. It is the kind of ending that rewards readers who stayed with the bit all the way through. For anyone planning a theatrical watch party around the King Kong licensing news, a camping checklist printable could be adapted into a Very Heavy Puppets viewing party checklist. A tip calculator is always useful when splitting the bill at a post-theater dinner where the…