• Broadway Beat

WARNING! Man Thinks the Relationship in "Tuck Everlasting" is Fine

by Daniel Frasco. @DanielFrasco_.

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY - Local authorities are recommending community members avoid amateur guitarist Trent Brewer, who reportedly believes that the romantic relationship between Jesse Tuck, a seventeen year old boy who was immortalized for almost 100 years, and Winnie Foster, an eleven year old girl, is not worth a second glance.


“I think that love is a beautiful thing,” said Brewer as he set up an amplifier. “Age is just a number, and who are we to think that a 93 year age gap between a man and a girl is gross? Students date out of their grade level all the time.”


Jasmine Hernandez, an audience member who was disappointed with the casting, weighed in on the scandal.


“I would never have a crush on a 104 year old, even if he was a raging twink,” the alarmingly vulgar Hernandez continued. “I’m into Jesse in theory, sure, but when an older man spends time with young people it means he’s a creep or lonely. I’m not horny enough to fuck either.”


Stacey Baldwin, an aspiring actor turned producer, weighed in on how her production of Tuck Everlasting affected this community.


“It is appalling to hear that people took away the wrong message of the story,” Baldwin explained while trying on the lead’s LaDucas. “It doesn’t praise a predator, it sympathizes with an old man who’s never fucked. And that’s different.”


Trent Brewer had to cut his interview short, he was about to "play non-stop hits for these hotties”, as he stood outside the Chi O sorority house.