• Broadway Beat

Unsuccessful Child Actor Now Has to Wait and Become Regular Actor Like Everybody Else

by Sarah Rabinowitz. @SarahRabinowitz.

TENAFLY, NJ. - At the stroke of midnight on Friday, Dec. 4, Pierce Middle School seventh grader Thomas Holtz became a teenager, officially closing the book on his unsuccessful child acting career and leaving him to face the cold hard truth that he has to wait and be a regular actor like everyone else.

“I won’t sugarcoat it, his future is bleak,” admitted Kelly Holtz, Thomas’s mother/manager/chauffeur who abandoned her own acting dreams to raise her son. “Unless you age into Disney teen stardom, your only option is to wait out the awkward years – and judging by Thomas’ acne and penchant for Dragon Ball Z, he’ll be well into his twenties before that window opens again.”

Julie Pruitt, the drama teacher at Pierce Middle School, had a more positive outlook on the situation.

“It will be nice to have Thomas back in the school plays,” said Pruitt while adding his name to a notebook with “Normal” written on the cover. “His parents pulled him out of school for a while so that he could practice having a tutor in case he needed to move his learning to a set. I guess that didn’t happen. But we’re working on Beauty and the Beast now, and there’s a teacup costume waiting for him.”

Andre Morse, Thomas’s guidance counselor, expressed concern for the young actor’s health in the face of such a devastating development.

“This is going to be a huge blow to his self-esteem. Up to this point, we’ve focused on role models like Drew Barrymore and Daniel Radcliffe, but now we’ll have to switch to non-prodigy actors like Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington. If we’re being realistic, Thomas will probably have to go to NYU, get a backup psychology degree, and become a barista with a dream for at least three years before his acting career takes off.”

When asked to comment on his professional failure, Thomas told The Broadway Beat that he “doesn’t really care about acting,” and that his future dreams include “staying home”, “going to Trevor and Mikey’s house later”, and “playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2 on my PS4.” Break a leg, Thomas!