• Broadway Beat

Troubling: Local Man Unclear Which Circle Jerk He’s Attending Pride Weekend

by James La Bella. @james.la.bella.

BROOKLYN, NY - Bushwick gentrifier and JSTOR-lurker Niklaus Mann expressed concern today as to whether a Pride weekend invitation was to Fake Friend’s Pulitzer-nominated play or an actual group masturbation ritual.


“I’m dressing up regardless, but I’d like to know before I get there," said Mann, who didn’t qualify sexually for the monkey-pox vaccine. “The guy who invited me reads Foucault, but not in a cool way - so it’s anybody’s guess. I’m actually kind of sweating.”


Meanwhile Veanne Cocks, Culturebot-panned drag queen and friend of Mann, expressed ambivalence about which scenario would be better for the Pace dropout.


“Niklaus runs a meme page, which tells me he’d be interested in the play…but also that he’s sex-positive in the pejorative sense of the term," noted Cocks, whose Pride weekend plans involve marching for abortion rights as Rose Slay-nik Gellman. “I think it’s gonna end in tears either way. The New York Times calls that show a ‘bonkers queer fable’, but the true bonkers queer fable is if I’m about to watch this twunk go all Spring Awakening.”


Tensions were likewise high in the Ridgewood basement of local sex-party host and confirmed-side Moody Jacobs, who claimed his weekly gatherings were bearing the brunt of the rhetorical confusion.


“More and more people are showing up expecting an elaborate show with silly wigs. They think I’m gonna have some kind of tech set-up,” said Jacobs, nodding towards a GameCube next to an empty bag of Cheetos. “They want playbills. They think I went to Yale. It’s alarming.”


“Either way, I hope I have a great time!” Niklaus added, waiting for the F-Train in a harness and Waitress shirt. He then expressed similar anxiety about his upcoming trip to see Corsicana, commenting that the plane ticket was non-refundable.