by HaleyJane Rose. @haleyisfamous.
LONDON - Tiny Tim, the youngest of the Cratchit family, reported today that he’s actually pretty disappointed in Ebenezer Scrooge’s donation of just $600 to the poor townsfolk of London this Christmas.
“Sure, I’d love to say ‘God bless us everyone!’ and be grateful… but $600? He spent all night literally being haunted and toiling away with ghosts to come up with a plan to undo his greediness and this is what he came up with?” asked Tim, at a safe distance so as not to compromise his already high-risk health complications. “What do rich people think things cost?”
Tiny Tim’s father, Bob Cratchit, had a slightly harsher response than his son to Scrooge’s donation.
“Nah, bruv, that guy’s an absolute wankah! I liked him bettah when he was a right prick. At least then he was consistent. Bettah than him acting like he’s gonna help. What the fuck are we going to do with $600?”
The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future also weighed in on Scrooge’s recent change of heart.
“We planned and lobbied for months to get him to open up his heart - and more importantly open up his wallet. Trust us, we negotiated for way more than this!”, exclaimed the Ghost of Christmas Future, frustrated to the point of breaking his thousand-year silence. “I suppose he won’t be hated to the point of nobody coming to his funeral anymore, but they’ll definitely talk shit behind his back, ya know?”
At press time, unemployed, furious townsfolk watched as Ebenezer Scrooge was seen dancing in the town square, joyfully heralding, “I’m the most generous man in London! I am so good at helping people!” and then went back inside for what is expected to be at least another eight months.