BREAKING: Suffs from 2024 Tony Performance Still Slowly Marching Toward Us

by Jake Alexander. @jake.alexander.playwright.

NEW YORK, NY - Terrifying as a tidal wave approaching shore, there are reports that the cast of Suffs' 2024 Broadway run are still, slowly, marching toward us.

“We don’t know where they are going,” the NYPD chief of police said in a solemn, grave tone, usually reserved for national disasters. “We don’t know why they are still marching, and we don’t know what their goal is. But the public needs to be warned: these Suffs are persistent, determined, and a force to be reckoned with.”

Officials were left on high-alert Sunday afternoon after the cast had breached the walls of Radio City.

They have reportedly been missing since late June of last year, after Judy Plington said her roommate, who was in the ensemble of the musical about women’s fight for equality, never returned home. 

“I just assumed she stayed late at their after party, I know how Shaina Taub can party,” Judy told reporters wearing a “Putting the Rage in Suffrage” t-shirt. “But after 48 hours, I knew something was off.”

Our journalists attempted to communicate with the cast, now making their way through Times Square, but they only kept chanting “keep marching on.” Many appeared dehydrated; some malnourished. 

The mayor’s office plans to address the slow stampede of 1910’s-costumed women by setting up a blockade at 8th avenue, which they are expected to reach by October. 

“We believe we have the resources to stop these Suffs in their tracks,” a representative said, describing an elaborate plot to infiltrate the cast - a plan that was dismissed almost immediately. "When will this madness end? That doesn’t mean we don’t support women’s right to vote by the way.”

Judy Plington shared a heartfelt plea to her roommate:

“I just want to tell her, if she will listen: please come home. Stop Marching. You have bad arches and can’t keep this up.”

Adding concern to Plington’s plea, a producer of the musical stated they would capitalize on this movement (literally) and have the women walk from city to city in their upcoming tour:

“We’re gonna save a fortune on transportation!”