"Turn Off The Dark" Spider-Man Joins “No Way Home” as Peter Parker with Glass Bones, Paper Skin
Updated: Nov 16, 2021
by Jason Keane. @akeanemachine (Twitter), @jasondkeane (Instagram).
ATLANTA - Thrilling news for theatre and superhero today, as Sony and Marvel announced the third MCU Spider-Man will feature yet another iconic version of everyone’s favorite web slinger, this time from the infamous Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. The 2010 Musical was one of the first of its kind, with six cast members sustaining major injuries in its four year run - an element that will be properly executed in the new multi-verse feature, sources confirmed.
“We wanted to lean into the fragile aspect of Turn off the Dark’s Peter Parker,” said Marvel President Kevin Feige, while swimming in a Scrooge McDuck-esque pile of money. “Most adaptations of the character are emotionally damaged, but we wanted a Spider-Man who’s literally damaged a majority of the film. Like, the only breaks this guy gets are to his bones.”
Reeve Carney, who will be portraying this version of Spider-Man, could not keep his excitement at bay.
“It’s incredible,” said Carney while taking out a large life insurance policy. “I swing through Doctor Strange’s dimensional portal while singing ‘Beautiful Day’ by U2, before losing my grip on the web, falling down a flight of stairs, landing on the hard, cold New York City sidewalk and promptly being run over by a pack of tourists on Citi Bikes. Then I spend the rest of the film in a full body cast. Easiest SAG minimum I’ve ever made.”
We ran into Tom Holland, who portrays MCU’s version of Peter Parker, and asked him about the inclusion of yet another Spider-Man in the sequel, to which he responded bitterly.
“I remember seeing the show on Broadway and thinking, ‘Oh god, I hope he doesn't fall and kill me.’ Good to know I’m losing screen time so a Spider-Man, who can’t even help with the mission, gets to sing ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’ before getting the shit kicked out of him. And you know what else those twats at Marvel are doing? They’re-.”
Holland was unable to finish as he was hit by a Disney brand tranquilizer dart, rendering him unconscious.
At press time, theatre and superhero fans both young and old were absolutely delighted to hear of the news, along with the rumors that Russell Crowe will be reprising his role of Inspector Javert in the upcoming DC film The Suicide Squad.