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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

It is I, Shipoopi, the Girl Who’s Hard to Get; Having Eluded the FBI and Interpol for Decades, I Challenge You, Commissioner, to Find Me if You Ever Wish to See Your Daughter Again

by Matt Keeley. @reallymattkeeley.

Evening, Commissioner.

By now, you’ve realized that your daughter won’t be coming home from daycare today. Don’t worry, she’s safe. For now. To keep her that way, you’ll need to DO what top international law enforcement agencies could not, and find me: Shipoopi, the Girl Who’s Hard to Get!

I’ve been following your career closely. You’ve made quite the name for yourself among the world’s top detectives. Even going so far as to boldly assert that not even a master thief can escape your pursuit. I trust I have your attention now RE: your challenge.

But you can win her yet - if you’re as clever as you claim! So let’s walk around once just to raise the curtain on Detroit, MI. Your first tour as a beat cop with your head in the clouds, until the untimely death of your chief brought your feet to the ground. A tragedy, yes, but opportunity knocked...

FAst forward to today: a meteoric rise to commissioner taking on the mean streets of Los Angeles. You’ve made many dangerous enemies. SO many who’d like to take you down. Yet I’ve taken the most precious thing to you that LA’s worst couldn’t: your future. That is, of course, if you can get Shipoopi.

It has been amusing to watch the fools at Interpol spend decades as go-gals who only go for me…to no avail. I’ll give you one week before she disappears forever. Tick Tock, TIck Tock. Be thorough, examine the clues I’ve left for you, walk around twice and make for certain. And if you succeed, you have my word she’ll never be sore on her way to supper. Sent home safe and sound.

If not, she’ll be raised as my apprentice. Outside the world of outdated social views of female sexuality. Where she can live without male judgment and kiss on the very first date. For Shipoopi belongs to no one. No nation. No laws. DO you have what it takes?

Your greatest case awaits you, Commissioner.


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