Ah, Shit: Set Designer Made Rapunzel’s Tower Way Too Short

 by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social.

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH. –  Theatergoers at Saturday evening’s Cuyahoga Players performance of Into the Woods were immediately taken out of the action upon realizing that the set designer made Rapunzel’s tower wayyyyyyy too short.

“I wanted to focus on the clever wordplay of Sondheim’s score, but I couldn’t get that goddamned tower out of my head,” said Shelby Paolini while taking an Oreo from concessions without giving the suggested donation. “I mean, I get suspension of disbelief, but come on, it’s three feet! How’s a three-foot tower keeping anyone locked away? Why would Rapunzel even bother growing her hair out for that shit?”

While everybody was puzzled by the design choice, some felt it was exacerbated further by casting.

“Colton Franzke is one of the hottest seniors at Shaker Heights High. He’s perfect casting for the prince and a big get for the Cuyahoga Players,” said Aimee Farber, a high school junior who keeps tabs on these kinds of things. “But he’s also 6’2” and he’s all legs–like, he’s a pair of legs with a torso and head tacked on. I’m really supposed to believe Colton Franzke can’t climb that tower? He could probably jump onto it without a running start.”

Longtime audience members expressed frustration.

“This is Les Miz all over again,” said Jeremy Pratt, a member of the Cuyahoga Players who insisted that his criticisms had nothing to do with not getting cast as Enjolras. “The barricade rolled out and it was like six feet tall. If the French Army saw that thing, they’d mow it down and quash the student rebellion on day one, no problem."

He continued, "Maybe if someone in the cast had the insight and courage to speak up, they would have been spared that embarrassment, but I guess they couldn’t take that kind of heat.”

Gerald Burnham, set designer for the production and man insisting he’s not wearing lifts, was tired of the complaints.

“Without Burnham, you’d all be stuck pretending choir risers are palace steps and acting blocks are trees, so I think he deserves a little respect,” said Burnham through a burner Twitter account using the poorly-disguised handle @DefinitelyNotGerald. “You should all be kissing his regular sized feet for what he does for you. That is a normal tower, find a new slant.”