WICKED to Combat Decline in Ticket Sales by...
by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
By Universal Stage Productions, Marc Platt, Jon B. Platt, and David Stone - http://www.wickedthemusical.com/ozdust_boutique/, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2324179
NEW YORK, NY – Whether it be the late summer slump, the fresh crop of new shows, or the negative critical reception of the second film, Wicked has seen a steady decline in ticket sales in the past few weeks. Earlier today, the Wicked producers released a joint statement outlining the steps they’re taking – and the rare updates they’re making – to make the 2003 musical more, well, popular.
“We’ll try anything,” said producer Gail Moser, white-knuckling a binder with the word ‘ MONEY PLAN(S)’ scrawled across the cover. Then she coughed. “Sorry, I misspoke. We’ll try everything.” She opened the binder and read aloud:
“Wicked will combat decline in ticket sales by casting a rotating roster of Bravo celebrities in the lead roles, scrapping the set in lieu of a runway, updating and modernizing the music, bringing in the viral ‘sex shawl’ from the movie, replacing the music entirely with pop songs, giving Fiyero a jive-talking dog sidekick, removing the jive-talking dog sidekick, apologizing for the jive-talking dog sidekick, making the show gay, making the, making the whole show gay, they’re gay now, they’re Bravo-lebrities and they’re gay now, and also maybe Doctor Dillamond is pan, maybe, or aroace, whichever works better, putting a little screen on the side of the stage that shows Subway Surfers, um, Obsession (2026), you guys like Obsession (2026), right, we’ll bring in the frowny girl from Obsession (2026), throwing spaghetti at a wall, putting a hat on a hat, putting a hat on Elphaba’s hat, replacing Elphaba’s hat with a jive-talking dog sidekick, damn it, we tried that already, ending every musical number with a death drop, painting everyone green, bringing in Rupert Grint and Tom Felton, making the whole show straight again, pretending to close only to reopen at a new theater a few months later, doing The Jellicle Ball instead, scratch ‘n sniff, something about the show Adults, that’s big now, and/or – but not limited to – making the whole thing gay again.”
When asked if they’d consider just lowering ticket prices to make the show more accessible, they laughed and spat in our faces.
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Honestly, if Wicked is going to start throwing spaghetti at a wall, maybe they should first check whether a YouTube clip is AI-generated—at this point, half the cast might be deepfakes. Though honestly, a jive-talking dog sidekick sounds less chaotic than whatever’s in that binder.