"The Search for Dolly" Unsuccessful, She’s Still Missing
- Broadway Beat
- Jul 27
- 2 min read
by Eli Mendenhall. @elihmen.
PIGEON FORGE, Tennessee — A national treasure has gone missing. The magnetic, effervescent, and buoyant country superstar, Dolly Parton, has been reported missing since last December. Despite the nationwide “Search for Dolly”, blue backgrounds, touched-up highlights, and YouTube karaoke tracks still haven't uncovered the whereabouts of Tennessee’s crown jewel. It certainly has proved convenient in casting the tribute musical, though.
“Only a bedazzled guitar pick, a travel sized can of hairspray, and three press-on nails have been found at the scene,” reports Detective Green-Collard, who was rocking suspiciously brand new denim bellbottoms. "We do have reason to believe she is still within the parks, as we hear the occasional squeaky giggle from behind bales of hay. It almost seems as though Dolly has found amusement in the chase."
She wouldn’t be the only one. “The Search for Dolly” became a nationwide effort, and Americans around the country have been checking under baseboards and behind fridges. Some have taken to using social media to send in tributes to the missing artist, covering her famous songs.
One of these fans, Nadine Lewis wrote in.
“There is such a healing power that comes from character acting. I knew that what I had to offer would remind people of how important Dolly is, but I had to hold back. Not only because the process was so emotional for me, but I was worried my take on Dolly was so earnest that they may have mistaken me for her, and ended the search.” Lewis included a photocopy of her AEA card sprayed with perfume in the letter.
A developmental intern, Jessie, explained some of the search party’s tactics.
“First, they put me in an auburn wig - and then put a sign around my neck that said 'Jolene' in big letters," said Jessie while attempting to obscure his Loretta Lynn tattoo. “They had me go around the park and yell that I changed my mind and that I WAS going to take Dolly’s man. This, of course, didn’t work, as my eyes aren't emerald green. Closer to a seafoam actually."
He added, "we thought to check the Ferris wheel, as the high altitudes help ease on Dolly’s joints. We called up a few times, and all we heard was a “Not here, darling! Hee Hee Hee!” So we stopped checking."
The search is still going strong, and the team remains hopeful, as it takes a lot of money to lose something that cheap.
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