BREAKING: Scientists Warn Broadway Rapidly Approaching Peak Backness
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - With the front door of the great white way finally open once again, it’s safe to say that Broadway is - indeed - back. But just how back is it? Reports are surfacing today that - due to an influx of new and renewed shows set to make their April debut in order to remain eligible for the 2022 Tony Awards - Broadway is dangerously approaching the status of "peak backness".
“Everyone wanted the lights to come back on,” noted theatre scientist Janelle Homs, mixing something called “Mr. Saturday Night proteins” in a glass beaker. “However, the lights have become blindingly bright. There are so many shows opening, at this rate the Tonys are going to be nine hours long - and that’s not including all the Music Man dancing.”
Theatre critics - many of whom have come to hiring mathematicians just to organize their calendars - are overwhelmed by the influx of material.
“I used to see a decent amount of shows per month, but this is new territory,” noted critic Barry Shanley, who already foresees a sitcom-date scenario happening with For Colored Girls… and POTUS. “My father served in the military, but I’m pretty sure I still saw him more than my kids are gonna see me.”
Still, some fans are delighted by the jam-packed schedule of staged delights.
“Broadway is BACK! In fact, I don’t think it’s back enough,” noted superfan Samantha Portez, who you can just kind of tell doesn’t sleep much. “Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber can bring Cinderella over in time? Can Suffs transfer yet? What the fuck is Marsha Norman up to? Tell me what Marsha Norman is doing right the fuck now. Go find out,” she added before physically pushing us out the door of our own office.
At press time, experts warned that the promises of Mrs. Doubtfire and Girl From the North Country returning could send the industry into overdrive, leading to a societal collapse, and an endless winter where all we get is another revival of The Light in the Piazza.