by Edward Precht. @pertoltprecht.
THE HAYES THEATER, NY – The Republican National Convention begins takes place this week, boasting such speakers as Tim Scott and Mitch McConnell, with a special appearance by Mark and Patricia McCloskey. Not to be outdone – and allowing a platform for some of its less-progressive members – the theatre community has decided to hold a companion piece to the RNC: The 2020 Broadway Republican National Convention.
The full schedule is below:
5:00PM – 5:05PM
SONG
To begin, the Broadway Conservative Choir will give an unironic performance of “Money” from Cabaret.
5:15PM – 6:00PM
OPENING REMARKS – SCOTT RUDIN
Producer and Broadway heavy-hitter Scott Rudin talks about the state of the American theatre, what we as artists can do in an increasingly-online world, and how his leaked 2014 emails really weren’t “that bad”.
6:00PM – 7:00PM
PANEL – #BLUELIVESMATTER
Officer Krupke, Javert, Beadle Bamford, and some of the Flying Monkeys from Wicked discuss the current sociopolitical climate, the negative way in which law enforcement has been portrayed in both classical and contemporary media, and how it hurts their widdle feelings.
Special guests include: Judge Frollo, Judge Turpin, Pontius Pilate
7:00PM – 7:30PM
SPEAKER
Your high school theatre teacher defends her decision to produce Once On This Island at an all-white high school.
7:30PM – 8:00PM
PANEL – THE COVID-19 “CRISIS”
Dr. Parker from Bat Boy: The Musical goes into detail about the origins of the SARS-CoV-2 virus (Bat Boy), how it’s transmitted (Bat Boy), and what can be done to prevent it from spreading further (killing Bat Boy).
8:00PM – 8:05PM
SONG
An unironic performance of “Why We Build the Wall” from Hadestown.
8:10PM – 8:30PM
SPEAKER – SCOTT RUDIN
Really? They’re letting him up onstage again? Wait, he’s still ranting about how everyone on Broadway is “a bunch of little pissbabies.” Is this the same speech? Has he been talking this whole time?
8:30PM – 8:31PM
PANEL – THE FUTURE OF BROADWAY
A look at some of the upcoming plays of the Broadway season, including Our Town starring Dustin Hoffman and nope that’s it.
8:32PM – 8:45PM
PANEL – THEY’RE NOT GONNA PAY? KICK ‘EM OUT!
Caldwell B. Cladwell and Benjamin Coffin III deride the upcoming stimulus extension, talk about the importance of gentrification, and trade various marketing strategies for monopolizing commodities.
8:45PM – 9:00PM
SPEAKER
Your middle school musical theatre rival performs all the songs from the roles she got cast in instead of you.
9:00PM – 11:00PM
SONG
It’s just... it’s all of Tootsie.
11:00PM – 2:30AM
SPEAKER – SCOTT RUDIN
Jesus Christ.
The 2020 Broadway Republican National Convention will stream tonight, August 25th, on www.broadwayrnc.corn. Tickets start at $2,500.