by Nat Hrvatin. @NatHrvatin.
LOS ANGELES - After announcing the addition of Aaron Tveit and Gavin Creel to his American Horror Stories cast, Ryan Murphy needs one more Broadway actor to fill his bingo board and win American Horror Story bingo.
“Either Laura Benanti or Audra McDonald would give Murphy a vertical bingo win,” a representative of Murphy’s revealed while unveiling a five-foot bingo board on an easel. “However, if he cast Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick as a conjoined couple, he’d land a coveted four-corner bingo win.”
Free space filler, Darren Criss, inquired as to whether or not his friend and Glee co-star Lea Michele was on Murphy’s bingo board.
“[Murphy] mumbled something about how Lea’s appearance in Scream Queens made her ineligible,” claimed Criss, who’s probably playing, I don’t know, a vampire who teaches community college or something. “I could clearly see Keke Palmer’s name on his giant bingo board so I knew that was some bullshit excuse.”
One of Murphy’s most vicious rivals weighed in on the bingo breakthrough.
“In a way, it’s cute,” Law & Order: SVU casting director Jonathan Strauss remarked. “Murphy is mimicking our actions like a child learning how to grasp objects. We book Denis O’Hare; he books Denis O’Hare. We book Patti LuPone; he books Patti LuPone. Bottom line is: we’ve won Broadway actor bingo so many times, we don’t really care. You want Raúl Esparza? Go ahead and book him!”
At press time, Murphy noted that he would not be offering Matthew Morrison a role in the series, as he “cannot fathom a more horrifying performance for Morrison than his attempt to make the Grinch sexy. In all seasons of American Horror Story, we’ve never had anything that scary.”
Once he’s achieved his inevitable bingo win, Murphy’s got his eyes on a larger prize: earning a Lifetime Achievement Tony Award for the brave casting decision of James Corden in The Prom.