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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

The Next Roxie Hart? This Woman is Untalented and Has a Criminal Record

by Sara Nicole.

RALEIGH, NC. - The name on everybody’s lips is Julia Briggs, a struggling performer who has been making headlines due to her recent incarceration and lack of talent, sources report. 

“I would say I’m a triple threat: meaning that I sing, dance, and sell counterfeit Newsies merch online,” said Briggs proudly, while sliding her mugshot into the front of her sheet music binder. “Being arrested for that was a bummer, but at least I finally got to tell people that I was booked. Sure, a different meaning of the word, but they don’t need to know that. Not to mention the fact that housing is provided. My own room, three meals a day…from what I’ve heard, that’s more than some performance contracts offer."

Lorna Crawford, another incarcerated performer with a similar backstory, was upset by the attention that Briggs has been getting.

“Yeah, I used to be the one who did counterfeit Newsies merchandise around here,” said Crawford, while dramatically smoking a cigarette. “Although I’m innocent, I tell ya: when the cops came for me, I screamed ‘they’re just prints of twinks wearing flat caps, you can’t copyright that!’ But they didn’t listen. And then this new kid comes out of nowhere and steals my whole gimmick. Who does she think she is?”

Prison warden and reluctant theater director Deanna Thorton has her eye on both Briggs and Crawford if the correctional facility’s theater program ever does Chicago in the future. 

“Neither of them are very good at singing or dancing. But we’re considering them for Roxie and Velma because they hate each other. We’re hoping that collaborating on this project will help them reconcile. Either that, or they’ll just start brawling during ‘Hot Honey Rag’, which would be sort of iconic. Of course this is all up in the air for now, as we’re only doing Chicago if we can’t get the rights to Seussical.”

Briggs mentioned that she hopes to audition for Chicago on Broadway once her 50 year sentence is up, considering it will likely still be running by then.


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