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REPORT: Cast of "Newsies" Recruited to Replace USPS Staff

by Haley Emerson. @haleyemerson_.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Postal Service, in dire financial straits amidst the Coronavirus pandemic, was recently denied emergency aid from the federal government, finding themselves forced to revise their hiring protocol in order to keep afloat. After great deliberation, USPS leadership has found a solution: replace the fleet of letter carriers with the former cast of Broadway’s Newsies, effective immediately.


“Decreasing the size of our fleet simply was not an option,” said Postmaster General Megan Brennan. “We had to find people willing to do the same job for less pay. As a former letter carrier myself, I know it’s a tough job that takes a kind of person with resilience and a good work ethic. Those Newsies are always so dang cheerful, and we know they can carry at least one bundle of paper products, so it should work perfectly.”


Brennan and other high-ranking members of the USPS racked their brains for a team of people with these qualities who were also in need of employment during this difficult time. Deputy Postmaster General Ronald Stroman, a self-proclaimed Broadway geek, took this unique opportunity to combine his profession with his passion.


“I saw Newsies when it came to D.C. last winter and I just loved it,” Stroman gushed. “I couldn’t think of a better or more talented group of guys to bring over to the United States Postal Service. I know they’re not technically letter carriers in the show, but I figured, close enough, right?”


Member of the original Broadway cast Ian Toklim was thrilled to receive the opportunity, struggling with unemployment as a result of the pandemic. Though the responsibilities of a letter carrier are a bit out of his wheelhouse, Toklim was confident that he was up for the challenge.


“Honestly, I would take any job that comes my way at this point. Things are really tough out here right now for performers,” said Toklim. “I’ve never delivered mail before, but I’ve danced with newspapers quite a bit. Like, a lot. In fact, if there’s a job out there that includes smiling and hopping around while talking about freedom and taking the big city by storm, I’m probably the most qualified. Hopefully that comes in handy here.”


At press time, Toklim expressed that his biggest worries are the blisters he’s sure to get from walking in tap shoes, and whether or not surgical masks are period-accurate for the late-nineteenth century Newsies costumes. He hoped the USPS would provide masks made of burlap, a material more appropriate for the 1890s, but received no guarantee.