Real Life “Into The Woods”? This Baker is Impotent
by Emmy Pratt. @gimmieemmy.
DALLAS, TX - The wonder and whimsy of Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods has been, seemingly, magically brought to life this week, as Jason Martin, a local baker and winner of the 2019 North Texas Sourdough Best in Show, revealed that he is both sterile and cannot maintain an erection, the musical-character-come-to-life confirmed.
“Me and my wife have been trying to have a kid for a while now,” noted Martin, blissfully unaware of how perfectly his erectile deficiencies map onto this bastion of fairy tale crossovers. “I thought I had mastered the art of frosting, but I can’t seem to ice the cake where it counts. Also, no, I haven’t seen Into The Woods, why do you keep asking that? This is a big deal for my family.”
Martin’s wife Rachel, a 5’7 mezzo-soprano brunette with impeccable comedic timing, has been quite pragmatic about what some might call a “cursed” situation.
“Jason and myself have considered adoption, and I’ve even had several consultations with a local sperm bank,” said the absolute girl-boss, showing us that you don’t need a man to get the seed as white as milk. “He’s always saying ‘perhaps it takes two of us to make this child’. At this point, it’s looking like the two of us will be myself and Donor #742; 32, Blood Type B+, and hobbies that include archery.”
The Martins’ neighbor Belinda Oliveretti, a frail Italian woman who we will absolutely project The Witch onto, expressed some alleged “sympathy” at Martin’s struggles.
“I hope that young man can start a family soon, they are such a handsome couple!” exclaimed Oliveretti with a sincerity we’re going to mask as mischievous. “It’s too bad they’re having such a hard time. I heard they’ve been trying for two years! She’s always been so kind and he makes me a lava cake for my birthday every year. It is always so doggone tasty,” added the vegetable loving Meryl wannabe, clutching her obvious cloak-to-gown tearaway.
At press time, Oliveretti is visiting the Martins’ bakery, an event which is reported to set off an unprecedented amount of forest exploring, shoe snatching, cow losing, hair ripping, child having, and maternal death for the Martins’ in the months to come.