Cool! Professor with Tenure Thinks You Look Like His Ex-Wife, So You Don't Get the Part

by Maddy Lanning. @laddymanning.

PITTSBURGH, PA -- Carnegie Mellon sophomore Jennifer Mattlin found out today that the reason she won't be starring in Hello, Dolly! as Dolly is because she looks just like Professor Dean Pratt's ex-wife, who happens to be directing the show.

"Jennifer just doesn't fit the role," explained Pratt, who we found collecting photocopies of a journal entry detailing the similarities he hates between Jennifer and his ex-wife, Brenda. "It's nothing personal, just showbiz. The fact that she is basically Brenda's twin in looks AND attitude has nothing to do with it. And whoever figured out the password to my Password Journal can go to hell!”

We caught up with Jennifer Mattlin, who was busy preparing for the role she did receive for the show: Wig manager. 

"Yeah, I saw the journal entry," confessed Mattlin, who was busy brushing out the knots of a wig with a pungent odor. "I've met his ex-wife before and the only thing we have in common is our blonde hair. Maybe I'll dye my hair next year. Or transfer.”

Brenda Morgan, formerly Brenda Pratt, expressed her indifference towards the entire situation.

“Please. You think this is the first time he’s done something like this?” Brenda scoffed, as she grabbed her yoga mat and slammed the door to her Bentley. “When our daughter was eight, she auditioned for Annie at the local theater. I thought she was a shoe-in for Annie herself because she could sing, dance and already had the hair for it. But wouldn’t you know, that bastard gave it to the neighbor girl because he said our daughter reminded him of a girl he went to school with at Brown who had kicked him the balls during a dance call.”

Pratt stands by the fact that what he writes in his journal has nothing to do with his casting decisions. An anonymous source did reveal that the password for his Password Journal is “Brenda Sucks Hehe”.