• Broadway Beat

Producer Known for Staging Stories of Tolerance Wondering How You Fucked Up a Simple Coffee Order

by Mary Colussi. @marycolussi.

NEW YORK, NY - Many theatergoers have teared up at the work of iconic producer Walter Boone, but only a select few have gotten the opportunity to hysterically sob as he berates them for handing him a cappuccino with insufficiently decorative foam art, horrified sources confirmed.


“I understand empathy better than anyone in the business,” Commented Boone from his office, where making eye contact with him is punished by several hours in what assistants refer to as “the hole.” “That’s why I deserve employees who empathize with me when I tell them that if they don’t meet my every need, I will ruin their careers and also their personal lives. You know, if I’m light on meetings that week.”


Cassidy Silva, the barista who made the offending beverage, was hesitant to speak on the record, as she is a former assistant of Boone’s and is holding out hope that the producer knows the location of her dog, whom he forced her to give up when he realized she loved something other than the stage.


“Walter’s famous for his order: A cappuccino with the tragedy and comedy masks drawn in foam,” said Silva, indicating the sign hanging above the espresso machine that reads We Don’t Negotiate with Terrorists (or Walter Boone). “Can you tell him that I tried to make it correctly, but my hands have been shaky ever since he took Javert? Please, I just want my dog back. Please.”


Sarah Davis, the assistant in question, was difficult to locate. Former employees of Boone often disappear until they are several years deep into other careers, or as those in the community call it, “finally safe.”


“He’d already fired me multiple times that day, but something about being scalded by Starbucks made me not want to be hired back,” Noted Davis, who is currently applying for law school, though she is worried listing her address as “nice try, Walter” will be off-putting to admissions. “The steamed milk scars are beginning to fade, but the scars on my soul - and also the ones on my right knee from when he pushed me out of a moving car, which he calls a ‘Ladybird’ — may never heal.”


At press time, Davis was planning on taking a year off to help Silva find her pet, but it turns out they won’t have to go far: Boone’s latest musical, Javert the Dog That Belongs to Me, just opened to rave reviews.