by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
New York, NY - Broadway producer Lenny Carren awoke from his sleep this morning to a strange personal development - after having a dream in which he, briefly, attended a performance of the troubled musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark”, he received several letters from his insurance company stating that they were increasing his premiums, just in case.
“We can’t take any risks,” notes agent Andrea Bell of insurance conglomerate Bell, Tepper & Associates. “The original production had so many injuries, so many production issues - if he’s gonna be having dreams about this cursed show, we have to be able to cover our own assets. In this economy, it’s simply too dangerous.”
Local legal counsel and theater aficionado Benjamin Feret applauded the firm for taking immediate action.
“Dreams like that are dangerous - Mr. Carren knows exactly how that production went down and how many Spider-Men were injured doing Spider-Man stuff while also doing Broadway stuff. It’s, chemically, a nightmare combination, and he should be fully bonded to any mishaps that occur during that dream.”
Carren, sifting through several automated voicemails from his bank noting that they have implemented restrictions on his spending and loan requests, was perturbed by the events.
“It was just a dream! There’s no reason to worry, I’m not just going to wake up and decide to produce a revival of ‘Spider-Man’ - unless, well, I made some changes to the staging and set it in a larger theater, had U2 come in and do some music rewrites, and got a big star’s name to go up on the marquee. Hmm, I’m sorry, I…. have to go,” he said before grabbing a binder of budget sheets and running out the front door.
Carren was last seen recovering from a barrage of meetings with investors that all ended in a resounding “What? Bring it back? Please leave right now.”
Passerbys say he was seen taking a nap in Central Park, sleep-talking to himself about fancy business cards. Police arrived on the scene after concerned citizens thought this meant he was dreaming of “American Psycho” and Carren was immediately sentenced to 35 years in prison.