God, I Pope I Get It! Eager Vatican Cardinals Anxiously Refreshing Callback Corner

by Matt Keeley. Instagram: @reallymattkeeley.

VATICAN CITY - As the world mourns the passing of Pope Frances, the prospect of selecting a replacement leader of the Catholic Church has many excited Vatican Cardinals hungrily checking Callback Corner for any news of potential offers.

“With such an exclusive opportunity, casting is sealed tighter than the Sistine Chapel,” explained Cardinal Enzo Gorlomi, who had painstakingly submitted for the role of Pope within the first 24 hours on Adam’s Access. “It’s the opportunity of a lifetime to be part of a thousands’ year-long tradition. Fortunately, the technology around papal elections has advanced far past smoke from St. Peter’s Basilica.”

The online forum hosted by Blasphstage.com has provided a longstanding resource for casting updates, be it callbacks and conclaves alike.

“It’s not a perfect system, but it’s still nicer than being completely in the dark,” admitted Cardinal Guiseppe Bonjiourno XIV, hitting the refresh button on his web browser a third time in the past hour. “As of now they have two separate entries with eight to twelve comments each. All of which just read ‘Bump?’. I see the threads jump to the front of the forum, but it’s someone else typing it again. Bump, bump, bump! Any updates? Anyone heard about callbacks? Come on!”

Many in the church have expressed frustration with the insular nature of their selection process.

“Is water wet? Is the Pope Catholic? Will we get 48 hours’ advance notice prior to callbacks? Uncertainty is just something that we have to accept in our industry,” sighed Cardinal Antonio Farfalle, preemptively blocking out the first two weeks of May from any other professional, personal, or papal obligations.

“Imagine getting the news that to even be considered, you have to drop everything and prepare within a week. When I dedicated my life to the church, I knew my calling might require me to purchase plane tickets days before the flight, or scramble to find a specifically humble twin bed to sleep on. I just can't keep buying new zucchettos every other week.”

As of publication, Callback Corner forum user EggsBenedictine33 had just confirmed two views on his self-taped submission video.