Playwright Accepted Into Emerging Writers Group After Removing Sword from Stone Near Public Theater

by Annette Storckman. @astorcks.

NEW YORK, NY - Local playwright Adolpho Ray Vonto made waves in the theatrical community this week as he removed the cursed sword from the Stone of Cooper Triangle and will now ascend to heights of untold theatrical glory, for removing the stone means, as the prophecy foretold, that he is accepted into The Public Theater’s Emerging Writers Group, astounded sources confirmed.

“I can’t believe I’m getting a $7,000 stipend. It’s more money than I had ever hoped to earn for my plays, to be honest,” said Vonto, who noted that he’d prefer to be called His Glorious Majesty moving forward. “Behold this mighty fortune, that I hath earned as the oracles did witness. I’m going to throw it all at my credit card, but maybe spare a little bit for a kombucha. As a treat.”

Removing the infamous sword from the Stone of Cooper Triangle, located just feet away from The Public Theater headquarters itself, is a basic requirement of the group, though the method by which one can remove it has eluded many a writer before. We spoke with the company’s Literary Intern, who witnessed the great feat in person.

“It was his participation in three other emerging writers groups, residency at Williamstown, MFA, and three Drama Desk nominations that had about 40% to do with it,” noted intern Lindsay Taylor. “But what sealed the deal was his Artistic Statement. As soon as he laid that out, the sword practically fell from the earthly grasp. Swords go ape-shit for a good Artistic Statement.”

Vonto will take his seat in the Pantheon of Heroes this Spring and is slated to have a workshop of his new play, It’s Literally Just All <Screaming>, by the end of the year. His aim is to finally attain representation. The Broadway Beat caught up with an agent he recently approached to gauge their interest on the royal subject.

“I bow to no kings. I worship no gods. In this town? Baby, I am the universe,” said the agent, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of betraying the crown.

At press time, The Public Theater released the following statement: “We, for one, worship at thy feet Adolpho, King of the Playwrights, Champion of the Seasonally Affected, Emperor of Issues, and look forward to the underpaid black box performances of your staggering work.”